Um. I guess if I was mainstream I would call this love at first sight. I think we have kind of made love to each other with our eyes already the first time we saw each other through the glass of the bank teller's window on Friday. I don't have any further attachment to the girls in my porn folders anymore. None of the girls I see at the mall or in television commercials matter to me anymore. All I can think about is her. I need to get a bigger, more toned upper body that she will like and I need to learn how to be a more social person and I need to start dressing in better clothes and I want to try and learn a little bit of her parents's native language and I need to keep a safe steady stable job which is not art related so that we can spend the rest of our lives together and have kids. Unless, once I ask her out, it turns out that she has some deal-breaker qualities. But even if she does, the fact that she exists, proves that it is possible to meet a girl who makes you feel this way. And if that's the case, then I need to continue working on all those important skills and not drawing comics and not surfing the internet so that if I ever meet another girl like this I will be ready to seize the opportunity. I wonder if this feeling will fade in 5 days. Infatuation? We haven't even gone out yet. I haven't even asked her out yet. I mean I kind of believe in fate maybe? I dunno. When our eyes met and we spoke for the first time it was just like lightning bolts crashing from the sky and firecrackers going off in some magical realm visible only to me but superimposed on top of the reality everyone else was experiencing. Movies have been made about love at first sight so this thing must be an actual real part of the human experience that others have encountered before. I always thought it was just bullshit or would never happen to me. There is more to a successful lasting relationship than good eye contact chemistry I guess. But from the way she spoke, even though it was only concerning mundane obvious details of our bank transaction, it just made me feel like I know exactly what kind of a person this is, and this is someone who I want to share the rest of my life with. It was her eyes though. Sex never even crossed my mind. Just the beauty of her eyes and her face and her voice and her demeanor. Obviously this is some part of my heart or stomach or soul or penis talking and I need to maintain a sane and firm grasp on the signals coming from that most important of organs in my body as I navigate through this new ordeal of my life, namely my brain. But anyway, this is how I feel right now. I wonder how this is all going to play out.

Still don't care if I never get a girlfriend/wife. So that's good. Also, realized that the adrenaline and excitement I feel from starting a new comic/video game project is not what will get me through to the end of the project. The only way I will see it through is if I can force myself to get motivated and remember all of the motivating and inspiring aspects of the project while in a state of non-motivation and boredom. Otherwise I go to work and do boring work stuff and become depressed and sad and exhausted and when I get home all I'm thinking about is hoping I die soon or just watch TV and lie in bed which is the next best thing. So basically at the end of the workday I need to force myself to start thinking about the project and get myself excited about it, but at the same time have the discipline to stop myself in time so that I can start being focused on doing my job the next day from 9 to 5

So yeah I still feel like I won't mind living my life without ever having a proper girlfriend/wife. Granted I haven't seen a hot chick with a guy in real life since my last insanity episode. But nevertheless. Something nice happened once I decided I didn't care and I would just relax and use jerking off to dissolve the hot chick anxiety whenever it came. First I was like "wow great now I don't have to stay up on current events or be well-read or eat right or work on achieving any of my 'dreams', I can just be a lazy slob and do the bare minimum to remain employed!". But then I immediately felt like a loser and decided that I wanted to continue doing those things for myself. So this supports the notion that I wasn't ever really feeling like chicks would think I wasn't good enough and not date me. Instead it seems likely that all along I was just feeling like I wasn't good enough for myself, and that therefore no hot chick would date me. Or that if they did it would be any minute that they would discover I was inferior and drop me. Most likely I am already good enough for some hot chicks to date/marry and I'm just placing unrealistic standards on myself like people have been telling me all along. Woot! Although now that I don't obsess over getting a chick I'm sure I'm going to meet some amazing one who is hot and I have a ton of stuff in common with and shows me some amazing aspect of companionship in my life I never knew I was missing. There's no way my life can stay this easy forever. It would be too kind

the memories of the holiday party have faded. I just busted my ass off playing about 90 minutes worth of indoor soccer so my muscles probably don't have any energy left to feel depressed about a chick. towards the end of the last game though there was this chick in eyeshot who was an immaculate vision from the waist down. And it was in a place where no one could really tell I was staring at her. And it was like the more I stared the more I wanted to fuck her. maybe this is why God says not to lust. Because if you dwell on it then it can take hold of you and drive you insane like it does me. So maybe my new rule needs to be don't lust or stare at hot chicks so much when you see them. Haha at this point I'm so desperate to get that peaceful feeling back that I had when I felt what it was like to stop caring about chicks so much that I'm practically able to not place chicks as the most important thing simply because I have actually experienced something that I have genuinely felt and know to be better than them: a peaceful mind. haha

-_-

fucking company christmas party. shitloads of hot chicks having fun and talking to guys who are apparently superior to me. feel like a piece of shit. want to die. this cycle was never broken, only delayed. why the fuck did I feel good about myself on vacation. maybe because everyone in florida is far away from where I work and they don't know that my job is meaningless and pointless and dead ended and that I have no ambition or social skills and my car is a piece of shit. seems probable. fucking dickshit man. oh well, I am sort of being buoyed by my own determination to maintain the peaceful radness state of mind which life is trying to rob from me that I'm almost practically actually not slipping into a tsunami of depression and self-loathing

This really feels like it's going to last this time. It's like some switch just turned off inside of me that was obsessing about chicks! I can see life so clearly now! There is so much about life to do other than chicks! They are just one small part of it! This is absolutely fantastic. I hope this switch never gets turned off. Maybe I'm officially a grown up now!!!! Course the only reason I was ever stoked to become a grown up was so I could marry a chick so hmmm. Anyway! Stoked stoked stoked!

this is great! It's almost like now that I stopped feeling guilty about jerking off, I don't even want to waste my time doing it as often as I used to do it/want to do it. Maybe I became mature over this weekend, and that switch turned on in me that seems to be turned on already in other men my age where we don't obsess about chicks and sex as if they are the only thing in life which has meaning! I wonder why it randomly happened this weekend though. There were a lot of hot chicks in florida, and a lot of them were not looking away from me like I have the plague. Maybe virginia and maryland chicks are stuck up and florida chicks are not? Anyhow maybe the florida chicks made me feel like I am good enough to someday date/marry a hot chick. that now I have resolved that feeling of inadequacy in my soul and I can stop caring about actually trying to date/marry one. I don't think that was ever what I really cared about. I have always suspected that the main thing for me is just feeling like I am good enough. Not actually acting on it. Anyway! This is great! This could be great. This must last! I hereby declare it to my livejournal that this might last! I am a grown-up now! Hooraaaaaaaaay! ^_^_^_^ My life is no longer ruled by the idea of getting a hot chick wooooooooooooooooo!

currently I don't care about getting a girlfriend...I don't care about staying in shape...I don't care about ever achieving anything in life beyond jerking off and playing video games and reading comic books...The girls whose faces I normally use to motivate me are not doing anything for me right now...possibly because they are all married and my imagination is not having an easy time continuing to sustain the belief that anyone else out there exists who will be that awesome that I will ever come across again...there was that one chick from soccer though who didn't seem to be taken and her face is kind of motivating but it's been so long since I saw her she barely seems real anymore so it's not enough to put me over the edge into actually becoming motivated again. So I skipped my workout today and got two slices of sausage pizza and a slice of chocolate cake and a frappucino instead of salad and water. But for the thanksgiving holiday I went to an amusement park and seeing all those girls with amazing legs in shorts and skirts made me resolve to get in shape and advance my career and make a lot of money so I could get a girlfriend...but then I jacked off just after the thanksgiving break and that brings us to right now. Right now I don't care about getting a girlfriend...haven't seen any particularly hot chicks today...is that why I'm able to maintain this apathetic feeling?...I'll have to see how things go tonight and tomorrow and onwards until I see a hot chick in real life again or something...maybe I can just jerk off whenever I see a hot chick and that will solve this problem permanently. Because the only thing I ever get obsessed with is sex. I don't really desire companionship I don't think...at least not anything more than I can get by typing to people online

My mind is so at peace when I haven't come in contact with a hot chick for awhile...and then I run into one and my descent to madness is renewed

And tell me I don't have the most amazing collection of deviantart favorites known to man. I mean. It's a fucking smorgasboard for the visual senses: http://magdalenarules.deviantart.com/favourites/#_featured I didn't draw any of the pics of course but for some reason I'm still so totally proud of them